A Different Kind of Goodbye

Saying Goodbye To You

Saying goodbye to Ben when he died was like saying goodbye to him as a person. For the first few years I had to say goodbye to all that he was to me. He was my best friend and wonderful husband, my love, my cheerleader when I doubted myself, my comfort at the end of the day, my assembler of confusing IKEA furniture, my plus one, the one to remind me when I needed to rest or take a break, an amazing father to our child, my artistic partner, and so much more.


I was fortunate enough to stay in the same house that Ben and I found together before he died. We moved into a townhouse in February 2014 and he died in August 2014. The townhouse we found was spacious, practical, and ideal at the time. But three years after his death that began to change.

As grief became less intense it’s like the scales on my eyes fell off and I was able to really see the house and the way I arranged things in a different way. I unpacked and put things away mostly by myself as Ben slept most of the days and sometimes whole weekends because of chemo. During that time my mind was on overload and not able to think through things clearly, so many things were put in odd or hard to reach places.

The summer of 2017 I began to rearrange my kitchen, purge many baby items and baby clothes, and things Ben picked out for me but I never really loved. Getting rid of those things began this process of saying goodbye to Ben in a different way.

Things were pushed to a new level when my landlord verbally threatened that my son and I had to be out of the townhouse in 30 days in October 2017 for reasons that didn’t even make sense.

Our landlord never did send the written 30 day notice but it began the process of asking the Lord if the townhouse was still the place for us to be. It turns out He did have a better place in mind and He led me to a place that I would have never have found if I wasn’t listening to Him as I was driving around after work.

Saying Goodbye To The Old Me

I had to start sorting through the whole house and garage and decide whether to keep, donate, or store. This was not a goodbye to Ben as the person anymore. But this time it was a goodbye to the person I was. A goodbye to who we were together. A goodbye to the dreams we shared together. A goodbye to my past life. A goodbye to things I had learned to love or tolerate. It was a goodbye to all the ways I was an amazing wife and partner to someone.

All the boxes in the new place
The realization you are not a couple anymore is not an immediate process. Your brain knows what it means but it is the heart and the emotions that still feel connected that takes time to process and let go of.

Three years later I now feel mentally and emotionally not married to Ben. It is a strange thing to say or explain but a huge milestone to realize and to embrace for myself. I now see Ben as my late husband as in the past and embrace the new current single me today.

Saying Hello To The New Me

Saying goodbye to who I was is emotional but it has been a beautiful exchange at the same time. As I have learned to say goodbye, I have also learned how to say hello to the new me. Hello to a deeper and wiser person. Hello to being more compassionate and more understanding. Hello to a new style of clothing fashion. Hello to a stronger and braver person than I ever thought could exist apart from Ben. Hello to a new perspective on life. Hello to new communities of people who are willing to sit in my pain and healing journey. And most of all a hello to a deep-rooted faith and understanding in a God I could have never known without Ben’s death.

I have this vision of my life with Ben being like living in a beautiful house. When he died it was like a terrible storm tore every single last bit of the house to shreds and all that was left was ashes. The only thing left standing was the solid foundation the house was standing on and me in tears with our son in my arms. The Lord represents my solid foundation that holds me up when all else fails me. This has not taken away my pain or grief but it has made me realize that even though it seems like everything around me may seemed destroyed or lost He never changes, moves, or passes away. He remains the one thing that remains in my life forever.


Grieving Is About Letting Go and Forgiving

One of the first things most people do when a loss happens is they go through the stage of “why.” 

“Why did this happen to me?”

“Why did this happen to someone so young?”

“Why did they have to die?”

And then people go through the “if only stage”

“If only I would have seen the signs.”

“If only I would have not lost my temper the day they died.”

“If only they would have told the doctors sooner.”

All of these stages should not be suppressed and all of these stages are actually needed to get though grief. Why? Because asking these questions are part of the process of working through grief. The things that we think and the things that we feel in grief doesn’t always make sense but that is not the point. The point is to let things come to the surface. The “why’s” and the “if only’s” really have to do with our hearts being hurt and  being in pain.

Too many times I see believers skip through acknowledging the pain and go straight to praising the Lord that their loved ones are not suffering and they will see them one day in heaven.

It is great to know that we will see our loved ones again but it is not truly comforting to our hearts when we miss our loved ones. We miss having their presence in our lives and we miss the ways they were a part of it. And grieving this part matters! These stages need to be processed and they need to be grieved. Acknowledging these things are needed to work through the chaos. We have to start somewhere and sometimes that means being really raw for a period of time

But eventually grief takes on a different stage. There is a part of letting go. I had to come to grips with how much I was not in control of. Yes, I can get to make my own choices but I have no control of the outcomes or the other people around me.

For me, I felt angry I didn’t see the signs of how sick my late husband really was. When I think back on our dating and even early marriage there were little warning signs that seemed more like personality traits than major health problems. I thought it was just a personality trait of his when he would sleep so much during the day. I thought it was because he was such a chill guy that liked to relax. I thought all his stomach pain was because he stuffed himself too much at meals.

My late husband’s nickname was BBQ Ben because he loved to BBQ meat so much
My late husband chose to not find out why he slept so much throughout the day. He chose to ignore his stomach problems. He chose to ignore problems with his bowel movements. He chose to ignore and suppress his emotions that caused harm to his body. He chose to ignore a lot of other things I probably was not even aware of leading up to his stage 4 colon cancer. The doctor said with Ben’s condition he probably had the cancer for about 10-15 years. All of these things and countless other things that led to his death were his responsibility NOT mine.

Grieving is not only about letting go it’s also about forgiving.

Forgiveness is about bestowing grace upon another person and to stop feeling angry or resentful for a flaw or a mistake they made. Forgiving another person is to give grace to the things you couldn’t control and wish the other people who you felt wronged you well and give grace to that debt.  If your loved one had an addiction they died of you eventually have to let go of your own anger toward them so you can be free of resentment and accept that they chose into it not you . If a doctor messed up with a surgery that may have saved your loved one’s life you eventually have to wish them well and bestow grace and peace upon their future. If after your loved one died there were friends that stopped inviting you to things you have to forgive the fact that you couldn’t control their choice they made and wish them well. You can still acknowledge how people hurt you and still forgive them and then wish them well.

But sometimes the hardest part of forgiveness is about forgiving yourself and giving grace to yourself for the choices you made or the things you were unaware of but not responsible for in your loved one’s death.

And for me, I am the hardest person to forgive. I realize now that most of the things I’m angry about  Ben’s death are things that were never my responsibility to keep or to hold onto.

I had to sort out what my husband was responsible for and what I was responsible for. I let go of things that were out of my control and responsibility and gave it to the Lord. The things I was responsible for, the Lord and I worked on together. And we continue to work on as they come up to the surface. The Lord calls me to be diligent with what he puts before me and accept what I can and cannot control. And to me, that has been so freeing and so comforting in my grieving process. It takes the burdens that were not mine to bear off of me and the ones that are mine can be  joined and worked on with the Lord.


Our responsibility is to find out what hinders or blocks us from the Lord, have space to process it, and eventually be freed from it. Because of the Lord I can be free from the guilt I felt of maybe not doing enough when Ben was alive. I can be free from hiding how I really feel from the Lord. I can be free of carrying burdens on my own. I can be free to face all that life throws at me with the Lord. We have faced one of the hardest things life can throw at us and we have gotten through it together. It has given me hope on my hardest days of being a young widow and raising a son on my own. It has given me strength when I feel like I have none. And to me, that has made all the difference.



The Many Stages of Grief

14 Months of Cancer Grief:

For 14 months I had worked tirelessly with a vast majority of people, churches, and my own family in keeping Ben alive. My days consisted of making Ben his special juice recipe: kale, carrots, aloe vera juice, green apples, beets, ginger. Both Ben and I kept working and tried to keep our old routine as normal when everything was not normal. Inside Ben’s body was slowly killing itself. And slowly the man I married was deteriorating before my eyes.

Yet when you are in the midst of so much changing and so much deteriorating your mind doesn’t have enough time to register what is fully going on. My mind went on survival mode. The days that I realized what was happening I would break down and cry and get so angry at fighting such a horrible and aggressive cancer with my husband at the beginning of our marriage. By time standards we were newlyweds with a young child but cancer wise it fast forwarded our life experience to what people usually experience at the end of your lives with their spouses.

He had the body of a 28-year-old but the cancer of an elderly person.

The first year of widowhood:

This art piece is called “Widow” by Susan MacMurray. It has a leather underlay and over 100,000 dress maker pins. It represents the pain and jabs a widow feels as she grieves and how every little thing can be painful.

I was completely spent; spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. My whole world crumbled like a piece of glass to a million pieces. Yet when someone dies you cannot rest. There is a myriad of widow tasks you have to carry out. Things like notifying social security, obtaining the death certificate, changing medical insurance (when a spouse dies insurance expires at the end of the month they died), finding out if there is any life insurance, planning the memorial service, deciding whether to cremate or bury your spouse, and so on.

Since my son was only 2-years-old when Ben died the smartest thing I did was keep my son in his toddler class at my work so I could spend the first three months doing all the widow tasks. It was important that at least his schedule was kept as normal as possible.  I was grateful that my son was in such great hands at his school and that he would be cared for so he wouldn’t be stuck with me all day. It was like being a chicken with it’s head cut off. I just felt so crazy and felt I was running around getting things done but never made a dent in all the paperwork and tasks that needed to get done.

I don’t think I officially finished everything last bit of it until 2 years later.

The first year or two I was grieving Ben as best I could while trying to get all the widow tasks done. I missed him not being there. I missed not coming home to someone. I missed not being able to process or talk with my best friend. I missed not seeing Ben with our son.

Although I am pretty introverted I tried to do so many things. I remained on the worship team at my church I helped plan a few artistic pieces, I was a part of the Urbana15 performing arts team. I spent a lot of days at my parents for meals because I just couldn’t cook for myself most days.

The second to third year of widowhood:

That is when a different kind of heaviness appeared. It’s like I was lost in this big ocean with thick fog and then the fog finally clears. My mind caught up to all the 14 month  cancer journey, the widow tasks all complete, and it’s this new settling into the new normal. And all of a sudden all the things I was doing with people and the groups I was involved in through church just didn’t work anymore. It’s like taking the red pill from the Matrix. My widow mind finally woke up and reality set in and realized it was tired. It was like my body finally started grieving too. If my body could talk it would have said something like, “Whoa slow down. I have endured a lot these past couple years.”

I found I didn’t need people as much. I started to get a better routine down. I didn’t have to go to my parents as much for meals. My son and started new traditions and new way of living on our won.

Yet being alone with all my thoughts and a new awareness of reality settling in was a daunting reality withing  itself.

Grief accumulates over time. Like tiny snowflake it grows into a big snowball. And I have been feeling the huge snowball of grief. It is no longer the heavy grief of missing Ben as much but the heavy reality grieving of knowing I can raise my son on my own but the tiredness of doing a two person job gets exhausting day in and day out.

Helping Someone Else Grieve While Still Grieving Myself:

This year I have had two friends lose spouses suddenly. That is when a new side of my grieving really set in. I was no longer the one with the freshest grief. It’s a lot like when a new baby or sibling comes into the family and you realize you are not the baby anymore.

And all the things that I have learned from grieving and letting the Lord guide me through it all seemed it had a purpose in knowing how to be there for someone else.

I began to see why it might be easy to shut down when you see a friend under so much grief. Grief pushes up against our own wounds. It pushes up against our feelings of inadequacy and shame and not being good enough or knowing enough. It pushes up against memories of our own loss or our comparisons of how another person’s loss is greater than our own and how we cannot relate.

So, what do most people do? All this causes a lot of people to shut down and ignore a grieving person.

Or it can be the opposite for some people. They actually care for a grieving person but stuff their own needs and think their needs are nothing compared to what the grieving friend has to go through.

In both situations the friend not under the huge loss needs to first let the Lord into what they are feeling. That is what I found myself doing for my friends who recently lost their spouses. It is important to first let the Lord tend to how their loss was hitting me and what wounds or painful memories started coming up.

I let the Lord bring up the wounds and painful memories it brought to me when Ben first died and how I felt. He brought up new things to consider and new things I had missed when Ben first died and that I didn’t see because I was so caught up in missing Ben. Doing this step with the Lord allowed me to know how to help my friends better. I could hear what the Lord wanted me to do more clearly. I asked the Lord, “Lord what do they need in their particular situation?” Many times it was just to listen to my friend or invite them to things. Many times I watched as my friend looked so tired and remembered how tired I was and would ask my friend if she needed me to watch her kids so she could rest.

It is not easy to face your own wounds or memories but I have found that when I do it with the Lord helping my friend is easy. She doesn’t need me to fix her problems but to join her. The Lord is already with my friends who are grieving I just need to let the Lord tend to my heart and then guide me in how to be there for them. It’s less about doing but just joining with the Lord’s heart and where He already is with the grieving person.


Reflecting on My 20’s Compared to My 30’s

In my 20’s:  When I was in college I went to a Christian college but got involved with InterVarsity (IV) at CSUF right away as a freshmen. I felt I fit in much better in the environment of IV because almost everyone was single, which was almost the complete opposite of people at my Christian college. And when you don’t date or have a bf all through your years at a Christian college you REALLY stick out and feel left out of place.

Ben was my small group leader in IV for awhile and I got to build our relationship and get to know who he really was and his character without the pressure of dating. I was 23 and a half when I started dating Ben at the end of my super senior year in college.

In college everyone was pretty much in the same life stage. We all had similar schedules and school breaks. There was this sense of collective community of figuring ourselves out together, being lost at times, stressed out about finals, and so on.


In My 30’s: I really have had the ultimate life changes you can have after graduating. I got married at 25 (few months shy of 26), got pregnant about 6 months later, Ben was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer about 2 and half months after our 2nd wedding anniversary, and died 3 months after we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. I was 29 years old when he died. And a few days before he died the nurses were trying to transfer him into a nursing home. That was surreal looking at nursing homes with my parents to pick where my husband was going to die. After his death I had to plan the memorial service, pick out his urn, and I had to contact a sea of people to notify about his death and fill out tons of paperwork, and raise a young 2-year-old.

For me, feeling ready to date meant I not only had to deal and process all the craziness I mentioned above but I really had to face all the old insecurities I had in college and being single again with the Lord. The feelings I felt then I still felt after he died. And healing from the same hurts means going back to the source of where the hurt started.  And that? That was quite a process:

  1. I decided to go back to the feelings of insecurity I had or times I felt awkward or overlooked by guys and ask the Lord about it.

“Was I awkward or was that something I told myself?”

“Why did I feel awkward?”

“The time I felt alone and out of place at a table with couples at my Christian college how were you seeing me then? ”

“What lies of me telling myself I was awkward, not pretty, not attractive need to be replaced with how You felt about me and what was the actual truth?”

2. I also had to process the lies and new insecurities I felt in the present I have had to ask the Lord about:

“It was already hard enough to find someone when it was just me now I have a child. How many guys can handle or be mature enough for that?”

“I have such a deep connection and have experienced so many life experiences of life and death that even my parents haven’t even gone through yet. Who is going to appreciate or even value what I have gone through?”

“How can I acknowledge that I am complete in my life as a single person yet still continue to ask to You about finding someone and get married again?”

“Where are You working and what do else do You want me to learn in my single state again?”

The main things I find being difficult about dating in my 20’s compared to 30’s are:

  1. The difference of life stages: Since college I have been married and had a son and dealt with a death. So, I am not just single. I am not just married. And most people my age either haven’t gotten married, are married or married with kids, a few divorced, but none have experienced losing a spouse to cancer.
  2. The ability to find and meet new guys:In college it’s easy because we are all in the same place and I could watch and observe people in person. After college most of my guy friends have moved away or have gotten married. And there are not many places to meet quality guys when you have a child and work schedule.
  3. I have gone on a few dates but dating as a single mom is tricky: I have to plan ahead to have someone watch my son. Most of my daily energy goes toward taking care of him so it’s hard to find enough energy to plan and  meet a new person. Date night with my husband was easy. I already knew him and my day to day needs were, for the most part, being met. Being both mom and dad is takes quite a toll day to day.

With all that I have processed. I have found the dating world to be quite discouraging. I have tried Bumble, Match.com, Widow and Widowers (too many widows 45 and older), Christian Mingle, EHarmony, and many others until I settled on Coffee Meets Bagel.

I know that the probability to find someone on the same deep faith and deep connection I have with the Lord is one in a million. But so far the majority of guys online say they are Christian but when I actually talk to them they don’t have a very deep faith or even an interest of going deep. Or when there is a person that seems deep they never contact me back or shut down when I even mention I am a widow. Online makes it hard because you can only tell so much. I prefer meeting people in person but as I mentioned above it is tricky because dating means planning ahead and much more complicated than when I was younger and didn’t have a kid.

There is a fine line of not being too picky and giving people a chance. Even if I don’t like a profile or think a guy might be too shallow I talk to the Lord about each one and ask what He thinks. That has been very helpful and some people have actually surprised me when I start talking to them.

People say I am young and can marry again. This is true but finding a quality person is much harder than you would think. I have tons of guys liking me everyday on  online dating but most are shallow, they don’t know what they really want, not much life experience or maturity in valuing mine. I have a feeling I probably will not find a quality person that is mature enough to handle or value all that I have been through online but I continue to ask the Lord to bring this person if they are even out there or to guide me to opportunities to meet that person.

It is definitely a take each day at a time kind of season. A lot trusting. A lot of hoping. A lot of waiting. And a lot of resting in my  completeness in  the Lord as a single person again as well.




How to Join In Someone’s Pain When You Feel Pain

The Problem

I think one of the hardest things of being in extreme pain of losing Ben is that it is has made me feel useless in joining other people when they are in pain. Most of the time when people share with me what is going on in their lives I honestly think to myself, “Yeah but you have a husband at the end of  a hard day” or “Yeah but your suffering of being a single parent while your husband is gone is only temporary, mine is permanent! My son doesn’t have a dad nor is it something that will ever change unless I get married again. If that ever happens (different blog post for a different time).”

It has taken me about 2 and half years to sort this out with the Lord and other people. And even now I still feel the Lord is still speaking and talking to me about this. So, I do not claim to have found all I need to learn about my gift. I still have a LONG journey ahead of me. I feel I have just hit the tip of the iceberg of understanding my gift. And I would like to say I have had given more positive responses than negative to people but I haven’t. I usually don’t say the right thing even though I know what I should say.

My Spiritual Gift of Mercy

What has made feel absolutely useless in the in general is how the Lord has gifted me. One of my main gifts is the gift of mercy. It may sound strange to you if you do not have this gift but it is the ability to feel the Lord’s heart for someone else, to feel other’s emotions and yours.

Growing up I was told:

“Aimee you are too emotional!”

“Stop being so dramatic!”

“You need to pull yourself together your emotions are not helpful to people who are hurting right now.”

“Stay away from people you are letting your emotions get the best of you.”

My past response:

I became so overwhelmed by what someone was feeling or what I was feeling for them and I would get depressed. I believed what people said about staying away from people when they were hurting. So, most of the time I would stay silent, stay away, and suffer feeling the emotions by myself.

What the Lord has taught me about my mercy gift:

I have  learned how to have my heart tended to first. I can’t join people in their pain if I am not tended to first by the Lord.   I have learned to invite the Lord into how I am feeling and ask where He was and how He cares about my hurt and my pain. Emotions are indications of where our heart is. They are there to make us aware of how the Father is supposed to join us.

A picture the Lord gave me of my gift is that scene in X-men when Jean is destroying everything and no one can get to her because she is too powerful. The only person that  can get to her is Logan. He is the only person that can heal fast enough and get into the middle and source of the storm Jean is creating.

I asked the Lord why I am like Logan? He revealed that Logan can heal yet he also feels the pain of the storm like me. Yet instead of me healing myself, it is the Lord who does the healing. My job is to go straight into the storm with people while holding the Lord’s hand.  But before I do that I need to let the Lord sort out what are my emotions are, what are  Lord’s, and what are the other person’s. Because I feel everything I need to let the Lord protect my heart, I need to feel my emotions and other persons with the Lord, not apart from Him. Everything I feel needs to be filtered and be walked with the Lord.

The gift of mercy is usually the first encounter with the Father. Because what I feel for someone is also what the Father feels. I am merely a bridge to the Father.

This picture of being like Logan has given me a new admiration for my gift. My emotions make me strong not weak.  People have told me that I am not needed when I’m emotional when really it is quite the opposite. God created me to be right up close to a hurting person because sometimes what we really need when we are hurting is someone to come alongside us first.

Part of becoming like a child is standing in how He has gifted us uniquely and without abandon or shame

Everyone Has The Gift That Reflects The Lord

My gift is only a small part of the Lord. Each gift is a like a mosaic of the character of God. We each hold a piece of who He is.  I reflect part of His heart and His emotions. I am meant to go into the storm and sit in the pain with a person. Some of the other gifts are also meant to come alongside a person in their pain but in their own unique way:

Wisdom: These people get how the problem can be solved, they are the ones who get Bible scriptures and references

Knowledge: They get to the root of the problem quickly, they see the root issue

Faith: These people are the ones who have an unwavering and supernatural faith and trust in the Lord no matter what circumstance, when others lose hope or don’t have faith they are usually the ones who can hope for others and who can remain firm in the Lord when others cannot

Administration: They understand how everyone’s gifts work together (maybe like a Professor X), They see the big picture, They see how things and people’s gifts can  be organized

Many of these gifts bleed together. I’m actually mercy and discernment and a little bit of knowledge and few others. And these are just a main list not every gift. But do you see how each of these gifts are needed in the battlefield of life? All of them matter and all of them have their time and place to be helpful as the Lord guides each gift. And all of them also need to be filtered and walked and processed with the Lord.

The Lord longs to heal this hurting world but He wants to do it through “the body of Christ” meaning us!

The more we seek to understand ourselves and how God has gifted each of us uniquely the more we can move into bringing His kingdom to this world and bring justice, healing, and reflecting the Lord’s love more clearly.

Helping My Son Grieve Starts With Me

Teaching for almost seven years now has shown me that if I want children, especially my son, to learn something it ALWAYS starts with me. If I want them to learn to be kind, encouraging, to use their words, to express their feelings in a healthy way, to have a close relationship with the Lord, then I, the teacher and parent, need to be practicing all these things too. And if I am not practicing these things or wrestling with them then it is my responsibility to be asking the Lord why this is happening and to shed some light on why there is a disconnect.

Kids are like mini mirrors. For the most part, they reflect ourselves and what we pour into them. Their personalities can be completely different from ours but how they view the world  and their self-image is molded by what they see modeled by their parents and people they look up to.

Picture by: Stephanie Yu 2010

When it comes to grieving and mourning Ben and handling his death in a healthy way I realized that if I’m going to help my son grieve and mourn well I have to help myself FIRST. These are the top things I have been reflecting on when helping my son grieve and understand his life without a dad entails:

Continually Talking About Death: Adults have a hard time wrapping their minds around death even when they know the finality of it all. Young children’s brains are not fully developed  and they need to repeat things over and over and over again to learn and remember things. So, constantly answering my son’s questions of his dad being dead is exhausting. In those moments I have to face the reality of Ben being dead, regulate my emotions, and help him navigate his. My son blurts out to people and strangers, “My dad died!”

What I Do: In each of those “My dad died!” moments I ask the Lord what is going on in my son’s heart and what I should do.I also ask for comfort for my own heart if it’s one of those moments I’m having a hard time talking about death that day.  I want my son to be free to express what is true but I don’t want it to turn into something he does to get attention. Being able to take the continuous repetition of talking about death I have found that I need to be comfortable with it for myself. I have my own questions of death and my own struggles and being able to process that with safe people and the Lord helps me feel equipped in helping my son when he asks questions.

Letting My Son Experience the Emotional and Pain Of Not Having A Dad: Since Ezekiel was only 2-years-old when his dad died his brain could only take in so much.  It’s been two years and Zeke is now 4-years-old. With age comes more emotional and mental capacity and that has been difficult to navigate this past year with him. He is now able to begin to see what not having a  dad  looks like compared to his friends. I remember him enjoying himself at his friend’s birthday party but when we got home he started crying and expressing how he wished his dad could have played with him at the party like all the other dads he saw.

What I Do: I broke down and cried with him. I answered his questions and prayed that God would comfort and be with us as we missed Ben in our living room. There is no getting away from how we felt. Watching and being with families that are not like ours is not easy but I know shutting ourselves out from the rest of the world is not good either. So, there is definitely a balance of retreating to have a break and needing to press into the pain and be with people because we still need community.But  there is always a need to get comfort from the Lord in all those moments we are hit with missing Ben or having a hard time being around families that are not like ours.

Helping My Son Understand What He is Responsible For: Two things I want to be very clear with my son is 1) He is NOT the man in the house 2) He is not responsible for making me happy or my emotions.

 What I Do: 1) My son is not the man of the house but he is responsible for HIS things and HIS room. He is responsible for things that concern him like grabbing his backpack when we leave for school, picking up his toys, and hanging up his shoes when he comes into the house. As he gets older he will get more chores and cleaning but for now he is responsible for his things and it is changed and regulated by me. There is a difference between him taking care of me and helping me. I don’t want my son thinking that now that his dad is gone he is responsible to take care of me. He can help me with the house or help me clean the dishes but I feel he needs to stay a child and stay in roles that are appropriate for a child to fill.  2) My son shouldn’t feel the need to take care of  my emotions. He commented one day and said, “I am here to make you happy.” I corrected him and said,”Honey you bring me lots of happiness but it’s not your job to make me happy. If mommy is sad than mommy is responsible to find out or talk with the Lord or a friend about why I am not happy. And the same goes for your friends. Be funny and make your friends laugh but it’s not your job to make or keep people happy. You are responsible for yourself and your emotions and the choices you make.”

One thing I tell the kids that I work with is something I repeat to them on a daily basis, “You are responsible for yourself and controlling your own body. You cannot control other people or their choices.” That doesn’t mean we can’t remind people of things or give advice but ultimately it comes down to them actually taking or following that advice for themselves.


In order to help my son I have to help myself first. If I am going to help him understand or answer his questions about death then I need to be answering my own first. Although his questions are different from mine at times the process of being able to understand the problem is the same. Who or what I turn to when a problem or grief hits molds my son. And if he is mirroring me like a mirror then it’s my responsibility to reflect and mirror a heart that is abiding in the Lord.

Two Year Reflections: Dancing In the Rain

My husband has only been dead for two years. He died August 13, 2014. But really I have been living under emotional stress for about three years. He was diagnosed in late July of 2013. I have had a lot to sort and work through emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with the Lord. Cancer and death has pushed and challenged my faith and confidence in a God who could still be loving and comforting in such traumatic circumstances.

I wanted to share and record my second year of reflections. I hope this helps and encourages other people who are faced with grief or hitting a rough spot in life:

One: Do what works for you! A lot of people suggested I join a grief support group or widows group. To me, the introvert me felt it would have been too much. After his death I only had the energy to process my grief not everyone else’s. I chose to continue counseling, to only meet with safe people who got grieving, and to give myself lots of grace when I needed to take things slower or do things at my pace.

Two years later, I just joined a Young Widows group (widows under 50) on FB and I felt because I have grieved well I can handle reading and processing others grief now. I’m glad I waited because now I feel I can really objectively and wisely contribute and come alongside people who have gone through losing a spouse much better.

Two: The reason why grief, especially when you were married, is hard is because your lives were so entwined and every single aspect of your life and routine revolved around that person.When someone dies it is like this awkward and uncomfortable dance of the mind  being constantly reminded of the past and how things use to be and is now faced with the cold wake up call of the present and having to compare the two all the time.

I have been reading a book called The Anatomy of the Soul by Curt Thompson, (highly recommend it) and it talks about how we respond to present circumstances usually goes back to our past. It also talks about how ultimately the past and the future technically don’t exist. Not to say the past didn’t exist or there is no future, but the only thing we can control is the present. I have been taking this in and connecting that to what happens when a person of grief must  re-learn how to deal with life without a loved one in the present.  For example, when my son got sick my husband and I would work out a game plan and a way to care for him together.  Since most children medicines ware off after 4 hours we would come up with a game plan where my husband would get up during the first 4 hours when the medicine was due so I could sleep. And the next 4 hours after that I would wake up and my husband would sleep. So, when my son got sick for the first time since Ben died I realized that I was the only one getting up every 4 hours to give my son medicine. That is a lot to take in. In those kind of moments I had to realize and acknowledge Ben was really gone and it made me miss sharing the getting well game plan with him. So, when you are faced with current circumstances your loved ones absence is being beat over your head and flooding your emotions because you have to re-learn how to live and a way to solve your problems without them there.

Three: As I look at how other widows are handling grieving I have begun to realize how important it is to grieve and connect to Jesus as we grieve the death of our loved ones. When people think of grieving in a healthy way they talk about feeling all you need to feel and that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Which I totally agree with. However, I still find and read about how widows who have followed this advice to the letter and still feel as if it their husband died yesterday 9 years later. There is something missing. I don’t know how to quite put connecting to Jesus into words because there is nothing more healing then experiencing it for yourself. I will try explain it the best I can.

When I get hit with grief I start to pray to the Lord to connect and have a conversation with me in that moment. Each situation is different but this is the basics of what I do:

1. I ask where He is. He speaks to everyone differently (words, images, verses, actual feeling God’s presence or comfort, ect) but he speaks to me in images for the most part. I usually see him holding my hand or hugging me or stroking my hair or rocking me like a parent would a little child.

2. I then ask, “God what is that I need to get from this moment? Is this a moment to be embraced by You? Is this a moment where I need to hear His truth about my self worth or what he thinks of me? If it’s a moment where someone says something that is not helpful or tearing me down I ask for protection from the Lord and ask what my heart needs instead. If I am with someone when I’m hit with grief, especially if they say something that is not helpful to me in my  grieving journey, I go  through the above process and then go onto these things

3. Where are you with the person I am interacting with. Is this person hurting? Is this person telling me something that is aligned with Your Heart?

4. Is there something the other person needs? To be listened to? To hear Your truth? To feel your comfort?

I have found the more that I invite God into my grieving process and daily life it is so healing because he is the one who knows what my heart and other people’s hearts need.

Four: God made all of us to live in community. A huge part of my healing this second year has been within community. Community is not perfect but we all need it. We need people around us who can call us out when we are  believing lies about ourselves, to keep us staying close to the Lord and seeking Him, to be physically there. There are times when I wish I could be held in the arms of the Lord physically. And I find it so healing and so comforting to be hugged by a friend or family member when I am hurting or having a bad day. I do think that is why the church is suppose to be the body of Christ. The disciples had Jesus in the flesh but today we have one another (like Jesus) in the flesh to minister and to hopefully love like he did. When in a healthy community seeking the Lord and His heart together it can be a beautiful thing. Being in a good community helps remind you that all we go through, good and bad, is experienced together. We are not alone. Knowing we are not alone doesn’t take away the pain or the grief but it does encourage and uplift our hearts and gives us hope that we don’t have to take on the world or experience life by ourselves.

In summary, I cannot change my husband dying (past) so young or the traumatic things we had to go through, but I can decide to walk the present with the Lord.

A quote that is in my living room and my kitchen says, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” When I read that I get this image of dancing with the Lord and with  community around me hand in hand. Dance expresses: anger, sadness, grief, happiness, joy, frustration, and so on. To be totally honest and real before the Lord and community as we live life together is something so powerful and so liberating and so healing and so comforting.  Losing a loved one alters our lives forever but with the Lord and community it is not the ending of ours it is only the start of a new chapter to walk with the Lord and others.

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Dancing at Easter that helped me process and express grief of Ben’s death




Someday But Right Now

Sometimes I feel like when I share my story about Ben’s cancer and death it makes people feel that what they deal with in their own lives is nothing compared to what I went through or continue to live. And then people feel they can’t complain or can’t be sad about what they are going through.

However, the reality is, that whatever struggles you are  going through, big or small, doesn’t make it any less of value or importance to God compared to mine. How we feel and  what we go through ALL matters to God!

God gave us emotions NOT to ignore but to bring to him. When we ignore how we are really feeling we are really ignoring how God wants to help, heal, and come alongside of us. God wants us to overcome whatever we are facing but MOST IMPORTANTLY he wants to be in the midst of our mess with us because we are all so precious to Him. The safest place we can process our feelings is with God. He can handle our curse words, our depression, our anger, our frustrations, and so on. It doesn’t phase him. It doesn’t make him shake his head at us or say to us that we should know better or do better. When he looks at us, it is through a lens of grace and love NOT of disfavor and condemnation.

Just as my son is hiding in his little hiding spot, God wants us to hide all parts of ourselves and feelings in Him because he longs to heal, mend, and replace our wounds and hurts with His truth and His love

I thought I would express some of these thoughts in a poem about not minimizing or ignoring my emotions as I continue to have ups and downs in my grieving. I have already seen inner healing in myself and received new dreams and new hopes but I wanted to express that it is a constant roller coaster of: grieving and receiving comfort then receiving new dreams, getting hit with new grief and receiving comfort then receiving new dreams, and so on:

There are nights and days when the tears don’t end.

There are and nights and days I miss my best friend.

Beneath the surface, my true emotions lie-

Beneath the skin and muscle

my fragile heart begins to cry:

Like a waterfall of tears

it recalls all the years

the joys and the fears

the happy and the sad

the things that made you mad

the things that made you you

the things you use to do

the things that made you mine

the things that made me yours

the things that were entwined.

Now forever-

torn apart.

And my heart?

Will it start?

To beat-


Or will it forever hold its breath?

Crying and grieving your untimely death.


My heart longs for hope and my heart longs to see,

the silver lining that will one day be in front of me.

But in this moment?

It just needs

To be:


And needs to be mad.

And needs to be broken.

And needs to feel everything unspoken.

Everything not expressed.

Everything not at its best.

Everything as it is.

Everything not addressed.

Everything that use to be-



One day, I know deep down, good will come out of this.

But right now my heart is plunged into this deep dark abyss.

And there in the depths of my soul and the depths of my sorrow,

is the One embracing my heart AND my tomorrow.

He joins me as I re-live the past and present feelings,

until I’m ready for new hopes and future healings-

that will outlast

and surpass

all that I can grasp

in the years to come.


But right now?

I am undone.

























It’s Ok To Be Sad You Don’t Have A Dad

Why I Wrote This Post

I wrote this post because the more I talk with people the more I realize people losing their dads or not having dads present in their lives emotionally is more common than people think these days.

I plan to form this blog post into a children’s book one day. This is another rough draft idea of mine. Let me know what you think and what is helpful. If you haven’t read the other children’s book idea of mine I posted it May 15, 2015 entitled “Every Deserves A Pom Pom” if you want to read that one as well.

I wrote this as an exaggerated discussion with my almost 4-year-old son. We have had many conversations like this one but I combined many ideas into one. Hope you enjoy it:

“Mommy. It makes me sad I don’t have a dad”

“I know it does honey. I’m sad you don’t have a dad too. I miss your dad all the time.”

“Yeah, he was a good dad.”

“He was. And he loved you so much.”

“Yeah I know. ”

“I know none of your friends have lost their dads like you baby but Father’s Day is not easy for everyone.”

“What do you mean?”

“Some people have father’s who love them. Some have father’s who don’t. Some have father’s that look like great dads when they are around other people but when they are at home they are not nice to their families. Some have father’s who left their family to live somewhere else and didn’t tell anyone where they went. Some father’s got divorced and live in separate homes from their kids and only see them certain days. Some have never even got to meet their dad. And some die like yours. And I know nothing I say can bring him back or ever replace your dad but you did have a dad for two years of your life.

Our first and only time we went to the beach just the three of us. Shortly after this our 14 month cancer journey started.

You had a dad who loved you. You had a dad who cared about your heart and your character. You had a dad who dreamed of playing baseball with you when you got older. You had a dad that even though he had cancer and was in so much pain he chose to love you and me until he died. He chose to hold you when you cried. He chose keep working so we could have food to eat everyday.”

“Yeah, I remember watching TV with him and the nurses in the hospital gave me juice and crackers when we visited daddy. I still feel sad though.”

“I know you do. I cannot take away the sadness that you feel. But I can join you in your sadness. I get sad a lot too about missing your dad. And I can join you when you angry, or feel lonely, or feel like you are the only one without a dad. Because I feel the same things sometimes and it makes me sad you have to feel these things. But do you know what I else I can do?”


“I can pray for you. Prayer is not only for talking to God it is also a way to invite him to join you in how you are feeling.  I can pray that you would feel God’s comfort like a warm blanket around you. I can pray for your heart to have peace like a peaceful lake. I can pray that God would sing over your heart kinda like how when mommy sings you to sleep. Some times prayers are like hugs for our hearts. I guess you could call them prayer hugs. Some problems cannot be fixed but everyone deserves to be hugged and have their hearts hugged by God when they are hurting or having a bad day.”

“Yeah but I’m having a sad day.”

“Yeah, we all have sad days. But we have each other and we have God and so many friends and family to be with us when we are having sad days.”

Closing Remarks

I hope that however you are feeling this Father’s Day you would know that you are loved. I know there are some people who don’t have dads like my son or have dads that they have never felt loved them back. But you are loved by so many other people. And even though I cannot physically be with everyone who is hurting this Father’s Day know that I pray that God would hug all of your hearts today with however you are feeling today. He cares about our hearts and our hurts. I can never get enough of this verse of God being protective like a father but also gentle and loving like a mother:

Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) says:

“The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”


The Need For Community: Don’t Hike Alone

I have always felt like  hiking is a lot like life. There are ups and downs, there are times when there seems to be nothing but an uphill climb, there are times when you need to rest, there are times when you feel you aren’t going to make it; but if it’s a long hike you should always walk it with other people.

Many churches talk about marriage, have marriage conferences, constantly talk about how to have a healthy marriage, and so on. Which is good, and we shouldn’t stop talking about it, but if that takes up most of the sermons and focus it leaves single people, single moms, and single mom widows like myself feeling very left out.

Ben was my “hiking” partner in life  and it was devastating  to grieve and to lose him when he died.

Another dad carrying my son on a group hike

Hike Reflections That Transfer to Life:

  1. The actual hike I recently went on helped me feel less like a single mom but more like mom with a child and a great community of people who were there to lighten my load when I couldn’t hold my son any longer. Losing Ben made me feel overwhelmed and alone but “hiking” life with community helped me see that my family is more than just me and Zeke, it also includes the family of God. Being in community certainly doesn’t ever replace or feel equal to having a husband but it does lighten my load and it does give me encouragement when I am tired and feel like I can’t keep going.
  2. It helped me realize that raising my son will look different from the rest of my friends who have husbands. But my son is well cared for by other dads and other men who love him too. Maybe not the same as Ben, but these men still love him and that is something all kids need and deserve.
  3. We are all on this  life hike together. God did call us to be “fruitful and multiply” but the over arching thing I think God wants for all of us is to be in community with people of all relationship statuses. Being married isn’t the best relationship status we can strive for, it is just ONE relationship status that we can be in. Whatever relationship status we are in, God wants us to love everyone; to seek after His heart; to care for one another.
  4.  We should strive to not only strengthen our marriages but to be aware and be alert on  how to care and to include people of all walks of life and relationship statuses. I am going to keep this in mind if I ever do get married again. If I get married I want to intentional in how to include all kinds of single people: single moms, widows, divorced, people with no family, and so on.  Being intentional means that I will have to think of things and activities that anyone can enjoy no matter what relationship status or walk of life they are in.

A Few Activities Everyone Can Enjoy Together:

  1. Hiking of course!
  2. After church, or just because, pack a lunch and have picnics outside together
  3. Having game nights
  4. Playing sports after church or during the week together
  5. Craft or sewing sessions together
  6. Building projects for families in need
  7. Raise funds for people in the church or a cause and coordinate garage sales together where people can offer things to contribute to the garage sale and ways to help on the day of
  8. Cooking and/or having meals together

Note: Doing activities together must also take into consideration realistic times things  start and end. Single people without kids have the ability to have events that start at 10pm or go on spontaneous trips. Single moms, single widows, and married people can go to these events but most the time it takes planning ahead of time of  who can take care of the kids, if places are kid friendly, and nap/ feeding times.

And people with kids (myself included) when hanging out with people who don’t have kids make sure the majority of the conversations don’t revolve around just topics on kids. We need to make sure we talk about things everyone can contribute and add to.

Some Topics Everyone Can Talk About

  1. Good movies/TV shows and why we like them
  2. Hobbies
  3. Favorite travel places and stories
  4. How work is going
  5. Dream Job/worst job
  6. How to pray for one another
  7. Where do you feel stuck in life and walk with God?

All Relationship Statuses Matter

I felt very validated at my church when one of our pastors actually said that single people are just as complete as married couples and have a lot to offer the church community.

Ultimately we all need each other. We cannot “hike” life alone. For the all the different kinds of single people, may we be people who recognize that we have a lot to offer  our communities beyond babysitting. We have resources, talents, and gifts that bless married and unmarried people. And for people who are married, be people who not only focus on strengthening your marriages but being good friends to others and loving people who are married and unmarried and include them in activities and events.

May we strive to be people who appreciate and affirm people of all relationship statuses no matter what relationship status we are in. And may we all strive to be intentional in how to include one another in each others lives. We exist to carry one another’s loads, to encourage those in marriage and not in marriage, to care for our children, to care for the world around us, and to reflect Christ in how we love and live our everyday lives. When we are in the family of God  together  we all have a lot to offer one another and are ALL COMPLETE relationships in Christ.