Saying Goodbye To You
Saying goodbye to Ben when he died was like saying goodbye to him as a person. For the first few years I had to say goodbye to all that he was to me. He was my best friend and wonderful husband, my love, my cheerleader when I doubted myself, my comfort at the end of the day, my assembler of confusing IKEA furniture, my plus one, the one to remind me when I needed to rest or take a break, an amazing father to our child, my artistic partner, and so much more.
I was fortunate enough to stay in the same house that Ben and I found together before he died. We moved into a townhouse in February 2014 and he died in August 2014. The townhouse we found was spacious, practical, and ideal at the time. But three years after his death that began to change.
As grief became less intense it’s like the scales on my eyes fell off and I was able to really see the house and the way I arranged things in a different way. I unpacked and put things away mostly by myself as Ben slept most of the days and sometimes whole weekends because of chemo. During that time my mind was on overload and not able to think through things clearly, so many things were put in odd or hard to reach places.
The summer of 2017 I began to rearrange my kitchen, purge many baby items and baby clothes, and things Ben picked out for me but I never really loved. Getting rid of those things began this process of saying goodbye to Ben in a different way.
Things were pushed to a new level when my landlord verbally threatened that my son and I had to be out of the townhouse in 30 days in October 2017 for reasons that didn’t even make sense.
Our landlord never did send the written 30 day notice but it began the process of asking the Lord if the townhouse was still the place for us to be. It turns out He did have a better place in mind and He led me to a place that I would have never have found if I wasn’t listening to Him as I was driving around after work.
Saying Goodbye To The Old Me
I had to start sorting through the whole house and garage and decide whether to keep, donate, or store. This was not a goodbye to Ben as the person anymore. But this time it was a goodbye to the person I was. A goodbye to who we were together. A goodbye to the dreams we shared together. A goodbye to my past life. A goodbye to things I had learned to love or tolerate. It was a goodbye to all the ways I was an amazing wife and partner to someone.
The realization you are not a couple anymore is not an immediate process. Your brain knows what it means but it is the heart and the emotions that still feel connected that takes time to process and let go of.
Three years later I now feel mentally and emotionally not married to Ben. It is a strange thing to say or explain but a huge milestone to realize and to embrace for myself. I now see Ben as my late husband as in the past and embrace the new current single me today.
Saying Hello To The New Me
Saying goodbye to who I was is emotional but it has been a beautiful exchange at the same time. As I have learned to say goodbye, I have also learned how to say hello to the new me. Hello to a deeper and wiser person. Hello to being more compassionate and more understanding. Hello to a new style of clothing fashion. Hello to a stronger and braver person than I ever thought could exist apart from Ben. Hello to a new perspective on life. Hello to new communities of people who are willing to sit in my pain and healing journey. And most of all a hello to a deep-rooted faith and understanding in a God I could have never known without Ben’s death.
I have this vision of my life with Ben being like living in a beautiful house. When he died it was like a terrible storm tore every single last bit of the house to shreds and all that was left was ashes. The only thing left standing was the solid foundation the house was standing on and me in tears with our son in my arms. The Lord represents my solid foundation that holds me up when all else fails me. This has not taken away my pain or grief but it has made me realize that even though it seems like everything around me may seemed destroyed or lost He never changes, moves, or passes away. He remains the one thing that remains in my life forever.