Reflections On What Would Have Been Our 4th Anniversary

The night before what would have been our 4th anniversary, May 12, 2015, I couldn’t sleep very well. I feel like I was a little anxious with how I would handle what would have been our 4th anniversary the next day. My late husbands birthday, March 13, I felt fine the day before but cried almost the whole morning. But that is a different blog entry altogether.

This was such a happy moment at our wedding: May 13, 2011
This was such a happy moment at our wedding: May 13, 2011
I woke up May 13, to my surprise, actually at peace. Not that I wasn’t sad, because I was, but I think I was actually relieved. It is hard to explain. When my late husband was alive with cancer he was in so much pain. He put on a good face when we were out in public, or at church, or with his family. At home I saw the true Ben. I saw him toss and turn and not sleep a wink at night and then leave by 6:30am to go to work. I cleaned up his throw up when chemo made him sick. I saw the the pain in his eyes when he would pry himself out of bed. He would tell me he felt like a useless husband because he couldn’t hold or pick up our son out of his crib in the middle of the night. My whole life revolved around keeping him alive. He would try to to juice every other day with the Green Star elite but the last leg of his cancer he couldn’t do it because he didn’t have the strength. I did it. I also made smoothies and had to start grinding up his pills into the smoothies when he kept forgetting to to take his pills from the alternative medicine doctor. That is just a nutshell of all the stress and all the work it took to keep him alive.

What many people do not realize is that yes his death was too soon and was heart wrenching but the whole entire cancer journey I was preparing for the worst and processing it with a counselor/ mentor. She helped me process all the unfairness I felt, all the anger, all the “why am I going through this at such a young age?” questions I had. We even discussed what would happen if Ben did die. We had to discuss that because the doctors didn’t think he would live long.

The morning of what would have been our 4th anniversary, like I said before, I felt relieved for so many reasons. I felt relieved I didn’t have to see him in so much pain. I felt relieved I didn’t have so much stress and so much work on my shoulders. I felt relieved he is in heaven cancer free. I felt relieved I could start anew and decide what would be life giving to me this year with my son.

Isaiah 61:3 “To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.”

The ashes of my life I had with my late husband are a painful thing to grieve and lament. I do not like the saying that “everything happens for a reason” because I don’t think things always have to have a reason. God never said that, people say that, people made that saying up. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” God is working to make things “work together for the good.” It doesn’t say “God makes things happen for a reason and works it out for the good.” We don’t understand everything and somehow it can be redeemed and worked out for good. We may never understand why things happen but we can be sure God can give us beauty for our ashes and that he is in the business of working things out for the good in our lives.

Reflections On My First Mother’s Day Without My Husband

I don’t know if it’s just this year that seems to have a lot of tension about Mother’s Day or maybe there always has been I just didn’t notice it until this year. I am feeling very uncomfortable with the extremes of hating Mother’s Day and the people who love it.

This year I definitely feel a twinge of pain as I watch all my friends husbands doing sweet things like: family portraits, giving their wives a chance to go out and get their hair or nails done while they watch the kids, and the list goes on. As sick as my husband was, with his chemo brain and all, last year he still managed to cook breakfast with our son for me on Mother’s Day.

Something I have been learning with my counselor/mentor is instead of solving problems with how I think God would respond to go straight to the source and just ask. I asked him what He thought of Mother’s Day. This is what I heard the Lord was speaking to me to write:

While society does focus on actual “mothers” on Mother’s Day there are many people who mother and nurture others around them that are not actual mother’s or who are mother’s but mother children who are not their own. There is that saying that “it takes a village to raise a child” without all the support of others around a mother, whether that is a husband, doctor, sister, aunt, friends, family, ect, all these people shape and nurture our children.

God also spoke to my heart about how He is a like a MOTHER. Matthew 23:37 says, “…How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!” I hope that wherever people are at whether it be that  they themselves are mothers, if they are not able to be a mother, if they lost a mother, if they lost a child and were going to be a mother, if they are grieving being a mother but a widow like me. Remember how much the God of the Universe longs to be a mother to them. Mothers are known to be sacrificial, to die defending or protecting their children to death like Harry Potter’s mother. And how did Jesus decide to show His love for us? By doing just that. Not by raising a strong army and rising up against the government with full swords and trumpets blazing which we would expect the Savior would do. He chose to lay his life down for us like a mother (or father) would. He chose to give his life so that we may have life.

God is standing with you wherever you are and however you are feeling this Mother’s Day. God wants to join you in that, and most of all, He longs to hold and to love on you today and be a like a mother to you.

Another closing verse that I feel is like God being like a mother and father  is Zephaniah 3:17 “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

My Journal from April 30, 2015

Recently I feel I have been running into intense feelings I haven’t felt earlier. I have been feeling really angry and really sad and can’t stop crying at times. As I’ve been learning with my counselor/mentor to allow myself to feel those things. The only way to get through this is letting myself feel all I need to feel and to allow God to be “Emmanuel” to me. I have felt so much freedom to pour everything out and invite God to speak and to comfort me at the same time. God cares about helping us heal but he also cares about being with us in the midst of everything. Healing doesn’t always come from taking away something but sometimes it is found in just letting God comfort you in your pain.

Hello world!

I recently lost my husband to stage 4 colon cancer on August 13, 2014 at 29 years old. I wanted to start this blog to encourage and to share with others a little bit of our story and what I have learned and continue to learn. Being a widow and caring for my almost 3 year old son is quite a challenge at times. I am blessed to have a great community, church, counselor/mentor,  and freedom to be brutally honest with all my ups and downs with all that I feel with Jesus. Walking this with Jesus has become less of a chore or duty but more of a relationship and walking this together.

This picture was taken a few weeks before my husband died: August 2014
This picture was taken a few weeks before my husband died: August 2014